the only answer

A seemingly ordinary trip to the local grocery store proved to be an enlightening experience.

In the busy aisle an aproned clerk asks: “do you have any questions?”
I respond: “I don’t think so, do you have answers?”
Clerk: “the only answer is in you. if only people knew to stop looking outside for what they seek. really the only answer is already in you.”
Me: “thank you, I’ve truly found everything I need today.”

It was amazing to me how such a simple interaction could be so profound. Somehow his words, words I’d heard spiritual teachers say, had an energetic quality that stopped me in my tracks and spoke directly to my spirit. Over the years I’d pondered Jesus’ teaching that the kingdom of God is within us. Studying this teaching, gave me a decent intellectual grasp of its meaning but it had never been driven straight to my heart in this way before. Today, I understand it in a whole new way and am forever grateful to the aproned angel for shining a light on the only answer.

Embracing What Is

Profound gratitude is about accepting, loving, and embracing all that IS, not just the wonderful things – that’s easy but it’s not true gratitude. We tend to think that if we express our sincerest gratitude for the smell of our morning coffee that we have a pass to complain about traffic, this is not gratitude.  Complaining, striving to change things, and resisting are the opposite of gratitude, in such an environment gratitude will not flourish. I am speaking from personal experience, but I imagine others have experienced this kind of duality of pseudo-gratefulness. In America, I’m certain everyone has witnessed this pseudo-gratitude in full effect around the end of November. We spend a day with our friends and families giving thanks for all that we have only to turn around the very next day in ravenous consumption. This is not true gratitude and it brings about pain, suffering, and in the case of black Friday, debt.

I had this habit of pseudo-gratitude for a long time, and it still rears its ugly head from time to time, this habit led to such confusion, dissonance, and emptiness. I was saying “thank you” for everything I could think of but I wasn’t living gratitude. I wasn’t embracing everything, I was picking and choosing what I loved and did not love. I did not love my history with my dad. I did not love the debt I was in. I did not love everything about my body. I did not love my tiny apartment. So I tried being thankful for things I did love, like my husband, the smell of jasmine on my street, the food on my plate, the income from my job and on and on. In the mean time, I worked hard at forgetting the history I had with my dad, I worked hard at paying off debt, I worked harder at losing 5 pounds, I started searching for a way to move out of my apartment. So the gratitude I felt for the beautiful things in my life started to be overwhelmed by the resentment of trying to muscle the other things into my control. Clearly something had to change and it wasn’t going to be those things on my list.

It all finally changed with my commitment to wholeheartedly embrace life. I made the conscious decision to embrace the unknown, to embrace my weaknesses and embrace the same in others, to embrace change as it happens and not force it when it doesn’t, to embrace mistakes, discomfort and vulnerability, to embrace spontaneity and the faith it requires, to embrace all that is and ever was in just as it is. It was hard, at first, like “you want me to embrace the fact that my dad was an abusive alcoholic?” and the answer, of course, was “yes”. And then I was like, “maybe I’ll start with easier things like being grateful I have a healthy body”. Now that was easy. Unfortunately, I couldn’t experience a life of true gratitude until I dug down deep and found gratitude for the really gritty stuff. Once it happened, though, gratitude just started radiating out of me. I didn’t have to think about it or practice it anymore it just became a part of my being. This is not to deny the fact that I am human and flawed and still make plenty of mistakes but this commitment to gratitude has profoundly changed my life.

If you are struggling with the habit of pseudo-gratitude I recommend starting with the hardest thing to be grateful for, you’ll thank me later! Find that thing and embrace it just as it is. For me it was an old story I told myself about my dad, if only he had been less drunk or more caring I could really be grateful. It didn’t work to wish it had been different. It didn’t help to ignore it either. I finally sat with the feelings and the stories embraced them as they were without wishing them different. In that space they began to transform. Suddenly, I had a deep understanding of my relationship with my dad and a deep sense of gratitude that he is exactly who he is. Nothing actually changed but my willingness to embrace it all put it in a different light. In this new light everything is just as it should be. My 5 extra pounds are still here but in this light I’m just grateful to have this body. My debt is still hanging out but in this light I’m grateful I have the awareness not to add more debt. I still live in the same apartment but in this light I am profoundly grateful to have a home filled with love.

When things arise that I don’t like or that bring about resistance in me, I shine this light of gratitude and feel the transformation. I hope that this light shines in your life today too.
~love and gratitude~

Lighten Up!

Why such a long face? No really why? Why do we walk around looking so weighed down all the time? Why do people find a chipper morning hello so alarming?

As I walked my dog this morning – an unsurpassably glorious summer morning – I pondered these questions. My smile and skippy step certainly stood out against my dreary neighbors. Seriously people, you are not that unhappy! Ok, maybe some of you are. Perhaps all the people on my block today really were on their way to a funeral…or worse their jobs (it is Monday after all.)  Which, to me, is almost as sad as everyone having a funeral to attend. Death is inevitable and out of our hands, but our jobs and happiness are within our control.

If you find you are suffering from “case of the Mondays” (especially if it’s not even Monday) lighten up! If you don’t it could kill you!

A short list of cures:

1. Play your favorite, up-beat tune on your drive to/from work.
2. Roll your windows up and sing like no one can hear you!
3. Listen to some comedy, I highly recommend Adam Carolla’s podcast.
4. Laugh at a fellow carpooler’s nose pick (come on, there’s always one!)
5. At work, take a giggle break (Lol cats are a sure thing, just don’t let the boss catch you)
6. Take a breather, literally! Deep breathing has many benefits and will likely keep you off that Monday death-rate list.
7. Do some social networking, the real kind! Get out of your desk and chat with a coworker, it can lighten your mood and even improve productivity. Just don’t chat up Negative Nancy.
8. Eat something! A handful of nuts is a great energy and mood booster and apparently even chocolate is a good option.
9. Go outside. A breath of fresh air will help clear your mind.
10. Play. Some workplaces have wised up to the benefits of play and are building play areas for workers. If your work doesn’t provide one make your own fun.

Please add your favorite mood boosters in the comments!

Power in Subtlety

You do not need fireworks and a marching band to know you are alive. There is so much power and beauty in the drama free unfolding of life. Accept this lack of drama as an important aspect of your peaceful spiritual awakening. Have faith in the subtle organization of the universe. Have faith that something beautiful is brewing and stop trying to lift the lid to check! ~Let it stew~

Concentric Circles

photo cred: mdezemery

Every ripple starts somewhere.  In my kindergarten curriculum, students start the year learning and sharing about themselves. As their development progresses they begin to learn about the world outside themselves. Starting with their school community, then their city and eventually the world.

 

These concentric circles work really well for kindergartners and, as it turns, out are a pretty good model for grown-ups too.

Recently, I realized that the reason I was having such a hard time with my spiritual development was that I kept trying to jump ahead in the curriculum. I wanted to be a spiritual leader/guru/sage and I hadn’t even taken the pre-req’s!  I learned that where I really needed to start was with myself. That seemed a little egocentric and selfish at first, but I realized that, like my kindergartners, I had no frame of reference if I didn’t even know myself. I couldn’t take on the world because I wasn’t developmentally ready. How could I bring healing to the world if I hadn’t allowed myself to be healed?

This realization was incredibly liberating for me and as soon as I was able to look inward the world around me started to change for the better! You too can bring positive change to your world. All you have to do is start with the understanding that you deserve to be healed and that you cannot solve the larger issues if you don’t start with yourself.

~be the ripple effect~

year in review

Today is the last day of my 28^th year on this planet (that’s roughly 10,220 days!). Reflecting on the year, I am overjoyed with every memory, every mistake, and the entire journey! I decided to share a short list of the year’s accomplishments in no particular order.

In the last year I…

• Grew exponentially as a human, a spiritual being, and as an artist
• Took on photography commissions and earned a new camera!
• Turned our spare bedroom into an art studio
• Opened up an Etsy shop for my photography (and soon to be more art!)
• Kept my debt snowball rolling, knocked out another credit card and paid off a car loan
• Bought a (used) car with cash!
• Finished a three year teaching fellowship
• Earned my teaching credential
• Learned to care for my personal well-being (and that it’s not selfish to do so!)
• Learned to cook and eat healthier (I heart kale!)
• Learned to be comfortable in my own skin and love my body
• Started meditating daily
• Conquered anxiety
• Forgave myself for past mistakes
• Forgave others for theirs
• Learned to let go of past hurts
• Learned to be less judgmental of others and, in turn, less critical of myself
• Learned to let go, let go, let go…

And most importantly, learned to take it all one small step at a time. I have no idea what 29 holds for me but I’m excited to see what unfolds!

A New Normal – Life without TV

The other day I wrote about killing your tv and the benefits to your mind. Our household has been without a television for a couple of years now and we actually can’t imagine what life would be like to have one again. Our relationship, interests, and opportunities have blossomed since giving up the telly. Life without a television seems so natural and normal that I’d actually forgotten how much other people are attached to theirs.

Yesterday, while replacing my old iPhone – much to my chagrin, I was hoping to keep the old one forever until it stopped taking calls rendering it useless and forcing me to replace it, the whole ordeal did get me thinking about trading the cell for a landline, but I digress – the young sales person asked if she could bundle my cable TV and cell phone bills, to which I responded that I do not have a television. By the look on her face you’d think I would have told her that I’m an occasional cannibal. She shrunk back behind her computer processing what I’d just said, and then she asked for clarification, “Did you say you don’t have a TV?” I sure did, haven’t had one in a couple of years. “Sooo…um…what do you guys do? Like, just talk or something?”

Yes, we just talk or something. Is that really all that strange? Are people really so attached to TV that they can’t imagine what they would do without it? Like, what if they had to actually talk to their families, or roommates, or spouses?! I explained to her that we do talk but we also have lots of time to do other things like pursue our artistic endeavors, read great books, play, listen to music, and simply enjoy life.

LIFE IS NOT HAPPENING INSIDE YOUR TELEVISION!
Watching people do interesting things does not make you interesting! Do you even know what you like to do? What makes your heart sing? Does another episode of the Bachelor feed your soul? Or are you just passing the time until you die? If you’re ready to take the plunge and find your true self and your true ambitions you’ve got to kill the TV. Or at least take a break for a week, a month, a year. If you’re not completely satisfied feel free send your complaints to me:  nicoleleanne {!!at} gmail {dot}com. If, on the otherhand, your life blossoms you are welcome to send money, gifts, and gratitude my way 😉

Into the Unknown

When you are standing at the precipice of your awakening it feels a lot like standing on the edge of something mysterious, exciting, and TERRIFYING. You are looking straight into the unknown, a lot like facing death, I imagine. I suppose the death of your old self is as real as anything. I know that as I began my journey into the depths of my true self I encountered fear, trepidation, and the sudden need to run back to my old habits. Once the first steps were taken it was too late to turn around, I had already experienced the truth. And, although the journey was/is trying, it has all been worth it. Today I am grateful for those first steps – as frightening as they were – they have brought me here to new heights where opportunity, wonder, and synchronicity rule my day instead of anxiety and fear.

If you find yourself standing at the edge, rest on the faith that the unknown is more amazing than anything you’ve ever experienced. Once you dive in the rest is history. Unfamiliar surroundings will leave you reaching for old habits. You’ll want to crawl back to the water’s edge, where prison walls keep you cozy. Out here in the expanse you won’t trust yourself to survive. You’ll feel the need to reach for your anxieties, your lists, and your step-by-step guides. You’ll yearn for a blanket of fear to paralyze you, to keep you from diving any deeper. Out here you are naked. Grasping. Gasping. There is nothing to hold on to.

LET GO…
let go and know that it is possible for old habits to disappear, let the darkness swallow them up so that by daybreak you will be new.

BE REBORN...
Be vulnerable. Be malleable. Be available. Be renewed. Like clay on a potter’s wheel, let your new form take shape.

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” – Lao Tzu

Keep it Clean

Do you have visions of hope only to be discouraged by a nagging sense that the world is too messed up for fixing? Well, there is hope if we can quiet that nagging voice of negativity. When we keep our minds clear and focus more on all that is beautiful the world becomes a harmoniously hopeful place.  But aren’t there terrible atrocities happening everyday? Wars? Crimes? Acts of Violence? Yes, but what has thinking about those things ever done to end them? Try this experiment, close your eyes and think about your favorite world problem. Really pay attention to how it makes you feel. What happens to your body? Is it relaxed? Tense? Does thinking about it make you feel safe? or scared? When you think about these kinds of global issues, do you feel empowered to do something? or do you feel hopeless? Most of us feel hopeless because these problems cannot be solved by any one of us, and worrying about it does nothing more than stress us out. A world full of stressed-out hopeless people is not an approach to a solution, it only exasperates the problem.

SO WHAT IS THE SOLUTION?

Keep it clean! (Your mind that is.) 
Stop letting all that negativity in and positivity will fill the void. How do you stop bringing in the garbage? KILL YOUR TV! Especially quit the news. With all that information and misinformation streaming constantly into your home and mind negative thought patterns are bound to take hold. Think about this for a minute, if an alien visited our planet and watched five minutes of American news he would think that the whole world is at war, on fire, being sucked up in a tornado, impoverished, hungry, sick, sad, …and publicly displaying their wieners (sorry, I had to!). If this extraterrestrial visitor is any kind of intelligent he would get back in his ship and fly to the other end of the Milky Way. You and I don’t have the option of interstellar travel but we do have the choice to pull the plug on mass media. Mass media is unnecessarily fueling fear and creating a sense of hopelessness where it doesn’t need to be. If it’s not the news you’re watching, you’re still being fed a false sense of scarcity, insecurity, and wanting.

Without these messages from mass media you can start focusing on your own beautiful reality. Imagine for a minute that same alien had the experience of living your life for a day without the influence of the media. Let’s imagine the alien wakes up in your cushy, warm, safe bed to the smell of coffee magically brewing itself. He opens the window and lets the fresh air and music of the morning in. Next he takes a luxurious bath with water that flows miraculously at a personalized temperature. Surely this alien would think he died and went to heaven. But think about it this is your reality! Sure, occasionally the hot water is broken but that’s minor compared to the gifts you receive each and every day. So kill your tv, cut off ties with mass media, and start seeing life for what it truly is – an endless stream of miracles.

a conscious step

Despair can ravage you
if you turn your head around to look down the path
that’s led you here,
cause what can you change?

– This is Not an Exit, Saves the Day

Three days in a row I sat down to write and share my history with you but I hit a brick wall. Writer’s block came in to protect me from old habits but I just kept thinking there is an important history here that needs to be shared. People need to hear how I struggled with anxiety and depression. People want to know how I finally kicked the Effexor habit and how my mind was healed one breath at a time. They need to hear that even though my mind was being healed I still had episodes of panic attacks and that the cure didn’t come overnight.

Those things are all true and would probably be helpful to some people but as I started to recall those stories I started to feel down. I started beating that old me up with my thoughts. Man, did I really waste all that time being anxious about nothing? Was I really that sad of a person? How could anyone have loved me then? As I recalled more of the details I even started to get anxious that those symptoms could return, and maybe they could but I don’t need to spend today worrying about that. I don’t need to beat my old self up and I don’t need to worry that she could return. Today, what matters is that I am happy, healthy, and anxiety free.

Maybe you suffered from anxiety or depression yesterday, but that doesn’t mean you have to today. You don’t have to identify as a sufferer of depression, you can choose to identify as a conqueror of depression/anxiety/etc. You conquer these things by taking one conscious step forward and never looking back.

What does a conscious step forward look like?

It is a single moment of peace. You might take a minute to breath deeply, focusing on the sound of your breath and not the constant stream of thought. One breath is a step forward. One breath is all it takes to start rewiring your brain. When the voices in your head start up again, stop what you are doing, close your eyes, and take a couple of deep breaths. Tell yourself “one deep breath is a step forward”. In this way you are training your brain to see positive growth even though your brain typically wants to believe that one breath isn’t enough.

Fill your mind with beauty, or insane cuteness. Do you know why all those puppy and kitty pictures are so popular? It’s hard to look at a baby kitten curled up in the arms of a Great Dane and not feel the corners of your mouth turn up. Hard day at work? Open up one of those old emails from Aunt Tina and let your frown melt, maybe even work up a smile. Puppies aren’t your thing? Maybe a flower, or a mountain, a river, or a sunset. Find out what makes the corners of your mouth turn up and keep an arsenal of frown stoppers around. It only takes a single moment of bliss to get you out of your funk. One moment at a time. Don’t get caught up in thinking about how this isn’t working or how bad things seem just let one bit of beauty into your mind at a time. Not convinced? Click This and feel your heart melt. Right?

Enjoy one breath, one moment, one ray of light and the whole world stops spinning just for you.